There is always a time in our lives when we ask ourselves, 'who are my friends?'
In every phase of life the answer changes. Sometimes we think everyone, or maybe quite a bunch of them and then there are times when we feel alone while everybody else is a mere acquaintance. Nobody cares then, not even the person closest to you or the one you knew for the longest time, or so you think. It is easy to think that way when you look around and nobody is there, and when you call, nobody answers. It can be just the imagination, or for real, nobody dares to take a time off and catch up on you and you just waiting on a slump though maybe you could have tried but the barriers, oh the barriers are pretty annoying!
For the past three years of my life, I have seen my answer change quite significantly.
For the first year, I thought I knew but I struggled.
I know some good old friends but they are distant. At one point, I did give up keeping in touch with them because amidst the busyness of life, I understand that they have to make that keeping in touch bit a little less occasionally ~ rarely~ and so do I.
Second year and third year, the answer definitely wavered.
More than a year ago, I started mingling with Indians. I find them interesting. They are the type of people who defines friendship pretty well. I don't sense such a wide boundary. They do catch up on each other. They take the time off to bug you in your room and waste your already wasted time. They call you if they are plain bored and talk about anything under the sun; it doesn't necessarily have to make sense. Some of them make fun of each other but they just take most things as jokes, and they bounce it back. They argue, but they handle it well. They make loud noises and many of them are carefree people who doesn't even know what the day is. They try to be there for each other even if the person doesn't ask. They are great friends really. Even if I just knew them for less than a year and half, I felt like I knew them for many years. That's how comfortable I am with them.
Unlike people I met longer than 1.5 years, I felt like I just met some of them yesterday. Mere acquaintances although there are others that I do talk with comfortably but you can see a significant difference in number between those who I can comfortably talk to and those I deem to be acquaintances...
This is just like agreeing with the observation that NUS Pinoy community these days don't really have a tight bond as a whole unlike NTU (I personally envy them =D ), and mingling with Singaporeans is quite a hard thing to do (for many many reasons!).
For me it is quite sad.
As for church friends, they are nice people. But I don't know them that well when I asked myself. I also realized that although I feel comfortable with them, it is hard to share personal issues with them. Barriers exist here as well. Also, they already have a circle of friends in the church long before I joined them and ya know, that is harder to catch up with and truly join eventually. I do not even expect them to read my posts here either. So that's how it is. That's how I see things. And this kind of fact is
one of the reasons why I am not enthusiastic in attending church. All because I don't feel real there, I feel like a hypocrite every time on top of the laziness+un-enthusiastic caused lateness if not absence.
I tried to be sincere, and it has a deep impact when you are failed in that aspect. I especially love honesty/sincerity but i sense barriers in many attempted friendships I had. It is not that I am discouraged by the sight of them but I am discouraged by the fact that after many ages, it is still there.
Has it gone wrong somewhere? Maybe. Friendship is a two-way street but someone has to start it and both parties maintain it. Finding friendship that would surely be worthwhile means being open to the extent of how far,deep your friendship offer is. If it is shallow then it will remain that way and even fade off. If either party attempts to induce a deeper one and the other responds, it may last for life. When it becomes deep and established enough, that is when friends say: 'Friends forever!'
'Friends forever' can be simply stated but its implications are deep. 'Friends forever' entails a deep foundation that even if you parted for some long time, the deep friendship lasts way longer. When you see each other again, it is then when you catch up. 'Friends forever', for me, is quite impossible with acquaintances like relationships. But whenever you establish a deeper connection, built with trust and love, that is a kind of thing that trully is to be treasured!
I am looking for friends. Real friends. So far, the search has been quite poor but not futile. I did find some good friends and even a boyfriend who apparently has become my best friend.
It is this time of my life when I realized how important current friends really are, especially when I am away with family and the good old friends I have back home. I also realized how much of a treasure it is when you get to hang out with your good friends once in a while, comfortably.
It actually feels great to have someone you can really call friends in place away from home. I totally appreciate it now even if I have been away from home for quite a long time. During that long time, i think I must have been in a haze and yet positively looking for friends even if it doesn't show.
...
Jesus is a really good friend, I know that based on witnesses.
He is my friend too but I don't keep in touch with him frequently these days.
My faith somehow is in a deep slump STILL.
